Should You Go to Couples Therapy?
By the time most people get themselves into couples therapy, they’ve already considered divorce, and therapy is their last hope at trying to make things work. With a great practitioner, couples therapy can improve 70% of couples!
However, there are certain situations where couples therapy would be an absolute waste of time and money, no matter how good of a therapist you see. Here are the five circumstances where couples therapy won’t be effective.
#1 Ongoing Affair
If there is an ongoing affair, whether it’s a physical or emotional affair, couples therapy has zero chance at success. The decision to end the affair has to have already been made, with no remaining contact with the outside person, and both partners want to commit to rebuilding the relationship. Unless those three factors are met, couples therapy would be premature and unhelpful.
If you’re looking for more information on boundaries to protect your relationship from emotional and physical affairs, check out my previous article, Protect Your Relationship: 8 Boundaries Every Couple Needs.
#2 Secrecy
The second situation where couples therapy wouldn’t be helpful, is when there are still secrets being hidden. This could include a physical, emotional, or financial affair, or even uncommunicated thoughts, hidden feelings, or secret behavior that’s negatively impacting the relationship.
Unless both parties are willing to be 100% honest with each other, couples therapy has no hope. It’s absolutely necessary to build, or rebuild, a relationship with a foundation of truth.
For this reason, couples therapists have a Limited Secrets Policy, where everything disclosed between one person and the therapist is on the table to be discussed in couples therapy. The only exception is physical or sexual violence within the relationship, where the therapist would help get the victim to safety, without alerting the abuser.
#3 No Meaningful Commitment
The third situation where couples therapy is highly unlikely to be effective, is when there is no meaningful commitment between the couple. As a clinician, it’s an immediate red flag when a couple is not married, not engaged, and have no children together, but are still seeking couples therapy.
When no commitment is made, it means the couple isn’t all-in. And if couples therapy has any chance of working, both parties must be all-in. Frequently, this is a sign that the couple has an emotional attachment, but are inherently incompatible, and they’re trying to see if they can become compatible before making a commitment to each other.
Meaning, they haven’t truly chosen each other, and have a list of changes they want the other person to make before they deem them worthy of commitment. This is not what couples therapy is for, and the couple has a better chance of breaking up, and finding a more compatible match.
If you’d like more information on how to find a more suitable match, check out my previous article, What to Look for When You’re Dating to Have a Long-Lasting Marriage.
#4 Checked Out
The fourth situation where couples therapy won’t work, is when one or both of them aren’t emotionally engaged in the relationship anymore. If they’re checked out, or have stopped fighting and talking to each other, it means they’ve stopped caring.
A therapist can help you better understand each other’s perspective, and teach communication and relationship skills — but they can’t make you love anyone. We can’t make you care. We can’t motivate you to do anything you don’t already want to do.
Even when the relationship feels frustrating, where you’re having the same fight over and over again, and there’s a lot of sadness; that can be a sign that there’s still life in the relationship. There’s care and hope of something different! If there’s no more emotional juice in the relationship, it won’t be worth the squeeze of couples therapy.
#5 Characterological Domestic Violence
The fifth situation where couples therapy would not be appropriate is with a certain type of domestic violence, called characterological violence. This type of domestic violence has a clear perpetrator and victim.
One partner repeatedly demonstrates aggressive and dominating behavior over the other. The abuser takes no responsibility, has no remorse, and blames the victim for the abuse. The violence is deliberately used to control, instill fear, and gain power over the victim.
In this situation, couples therapy is completely off the table. Safety planning is the first priority, as well as individual therapy for the perpetrator and the victim.
Where Can I Find More Help?
If you’re interested in learning healthy relational skills or processing the grief of a failed relationship — therapy can be a great resource for you!
Maybe you aren’t fully ready for therapy yet — That’s okay too! Click the button below to subscribe to my YouTube Channel, Tips from a Therapist, where I offer some of my best tips on how to improve your relationship with yourself and other people.
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The more you know, the more you grow!
