Predictors of Divorce: The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse

The Gottman Research Institute has identified four communication patterns that will predict divorce with over 90% accuracy, if the behavior goes unchanged.

They are called The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse as a reference to the depiction of the end of times in the New Testament of the Bible, because these four communication styles predict the end of a marriage.

#1 Criticism

The first horseman is criticism. Criticism involves attacking someone’s character rather than a specific behavior. Criticism is very different from voicing a complaint, because a complaint sounds like, “You didn’t text me when you were running late,” while criticism sounds like, “You never think about anyone but yourself!” Rather than pointing out a specific behavior you didn’t like, criticism is an attack of the person.

Statements of criticism often manifest as “you always” or “you never” comments. Furthermore, criticism overgeneralizes shortcomings as a sign of a deeper betrayal, where forgetting to take the trash out last week is a sign that they can’t be trusted with anything at all.

Criticism changes the way we perceive our partner. Rather than offering them grace and the benefit of the doubt, criticism makes negative assumptions. It paints our partner’s shortcomings as a sign that they’re incompetent and don’t care about us.

Criticism cares more about finding fault and assigning blame, rather than fixing the problem. In an effort to communicate the weight of built up resentment, criticism actually makes repair impossible. It’s self-sabotaging, because it overwhelms our partner and discourages any effort in the right direction. Unfortunately, when criticism becomes pervasive, it paves the way for other horsemen to follow.

#2 Defensiveness

The second horseman is defensiveness, and it’s typically a response to criticism. When we feel unjustly criticized, we look for ways to reject fault, play the victim, and push the accountability back onto our partner.

However, this only escalates the problem, because it’s an overcorrection. Defensive reasoning is an underhanded way of saying that we don’t take our partner’s concerns seriously, and that we won’t take responsibility for our part in the problem.

For example, if one partner has been home all day with the kids and needs help when the other partner gets home from work, defensiveness could sound like: “You know I’ve been working hard all day, and I want time alone to unwind.” This assumes the partner at home hasn’t been working hard all day and doesn’t need the time to unwind just as much.

Defensiveness cares more about deflecting fault and making excuses, rather than fixing the problem as a team. However, when couples get trapped in defensiveness, it naturally leads to the next horsemen.

#3 Contempt

The third horseman is contempt. It is the deadliest of the four horsemen, because it is the single greatest predictor of divorce. Contempt is when we deliberately insult and disrespect our partner.

It can manifest through eye rolls, scoffs, sharp sarcasm, mockery, direct insults and name calling. It’s calling your partner an idiot for making a mistake, or mocking their inability to perform like someone else.

After prolonged character attacks through criticism, and defensive lack of mutual accountability, the connection cannibalizes itself. There’s distain and moral superiority where love and respect used to be.

Research has even shown that couples who are contemptuous of each other are more likely to suffer from infectious illnesses due to weakened immune systems! However, we can only fight for so long; that’s where the next horseman comes in.

#4 Stonewalling

The fourth horseman is stonewalling, where individuals cease to attend to what their partner is saying. There is a total lack of listening behavior, and an active tuning out of the partner.

They withdraw, shut down, and stop emotionally engaging with their partner. Stonewalling is an unhealthy solution to escape the prolonged fighting. They don’t know how to fix the problem, and they don’t want to make it worse. They don’t trust their partner, and they’re overwhelmed.

Rather than confronting the issues together, the stonewaller puts their focus on other things; whether it’s their phone, the TV, their work, addictions, or the kids. Stonewalling numbs the pain of staying in this unhealthy dynamic, and encourages the process of separation.

Is Your Relationship Doomed?

There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. When we pick a partner, we pick a set of problems.

Every relationship has moments where The Four Horsemen occur. However, there are research-based antidotes that can teach you and your partner how to communicate and manage conflict better. Stay tuned for future articles on exactly how to do that!

Where Can I Find More Help?

If you’re interested in learning healthy relational skills — therapy can be a great resource for you!

Maybe you aren’t fully ready for therapy yet — That’s okay too! Click the button below to subscribe to my YouTube Channel, Tips from a Therapist, where I offer some of my best tips on how to improve your relationship with yourself and other people.

If you found this helpful, please share it with a friend!

The more you know, the more you grow!