Marriage Killer #1 Criticism: What It Is and How to Stop It

In my previous article, Predictors of Divorce: The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse, I laid out the four communication patterns The Gottman Research Institute found that will predict whether a couple will divorce with over 90% accuracy. They include: criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling.

Today, we focus on criticism, the first of the four horsemen, and what you and your spouse need to do instead, in order to save your marriage!

The Research on Criticism

When bringing up a problem to your partner, it’s incredibly important to start on the right foot. Research has found that the first three minutes of a couple having a conflict conversation predicted with over 90% accuracy what would happen to that couple five years down the road!

Couples who struggle with criticism tend bring up problems harshly, in a moment of anger or annoyance. Rather than bringing up a specific behavior they don’t like, criticism attacks the character and competence of their partner. Rather than focusing on a solution, criticism cares more about fault-finding.

It can sound like: “ugh, you’re such a child! You always leave the cabinets open!…Ugh, you should know this upsets me! I can’t believe I married such a selfish idiot!…Ugh, you never show me affection anymore, you’re frigid just like your mother!”

Ouch, right?!

The Problem with Criticism

The problem with criticism, outside of it being super hurtful to begin with, is that nobody can listen to someone being critical of them. It makes us defensive! Criticism sabotages our attempt to be listened to, and have our concerns taken seriously. It’s kicking the hornets nest, rather than safely removing it.

We have to be careful how concerns are brought up, because our marriage is on the line. This is much easier to do if we don’t allow unresolved issues to pile up and crystallize into resentment. Here’s what to do instead…

The Soft Start-Up

Dr. John & Julie Gottman developed an antidote to criticism called the “soft start-up”. It is a communication technique to bring up a complaint effectively; it gets conflict conversations off to a good start during those essential first three minutes and reduces defensiveness in the listener. Here’s how to do it:

I Feel…

About What…

I Need…

You begin by stating what you feel with an “I” statement. Then, you describe the situation neutrally, with facts; remember, you’re describing “it”, not your partner. Finally, you tell your partner what you specifically need from them to make it better.

It’s very simple! Really, we’re just refreshing our ability to practice the same restraint and kindness that we give our friends. Think about it, let’s say you’re hosting dinner party at your house with your closest friends.

You pulled out a nice table cloth, you’re using napkins instead of paper towels, and you made an amazing lasagna! Then your friend from college has a little too much wine, and as she’s making her way to the table, she trips and dumps her plate all over your fancy white table cloth! The red sauce is all over the table, the dog rushes in to take advantage of the situation — and internally, you’re screaming and pulling your hair out!

But what do you actually do?… You smile, and say, “don’t worry about it!” You clean up the mess, and shakily get her another plate of lasagna.

When we rely on someone day in and day out, after many years of marriage, or some incredibly difficult seasons, the ways in which they’ve fallen short is obvious and numerous. What they do right gets ignored, and what they get wrong gets highlighted.

This is why we need soft start-up! To remember that you married a flawed person, just like yourself. James 2:13 says, “There will be no mercy for those who have not shown mercy to others. But if you have been merciful, God will be merciful when He judges you.”

The antidote to criticism, is to focus on the type of outcome we want to see, rather than being right or finding fault.

So let’s practice soft start-up together! Let’s say your in-laws are coming over, and your mother-in-law always has something rude to say. Gentle start-up sounds like: “Honey, I feel disrespected when your mother makes comments about our house not being up to her standard. I need you to address her directly, and let her know to keep her thoughts to herself.”

Here’s another one: let’s say you’re going to your partner’s friend’s wedding, and you’re more introverted than your partner. Gentle start-up sounds like: “Hey babe, I feel anxious about being at this wedding where I don’t know anyone but you, I need you to stay close to me or check-in with me every hour when you go off with your friends.”

Common Problems

However, when someone struggles with criticism, it’s an incredibly hard habit to break; they’ve been so resentful for so long, that they feel self-righteous about their criticisms. “But I’m just being honest!…” Nope! That’s not going to fly.

Any perception of a person is always subjective. You may think your partner is one way — but would your partner’s grandmother feel that same criticism towards them? Furthermore, the thing that we can be the most honest about, that is also true, is our emotions and how we feel. We can speak that truth with absolute assurance, because we are inside our own skin.

A critical person might also say, “Well, everyone is responsible for their own feelings, I’m not responsible for how you feel!…” Wrong again!

Yes, we are responsible for being aware of how we feel based on our perspective. However, in a relationship, it is not just our perspective. All the scientific research out there with brain scans and functional MRIs show that people’s relationships affect an individual’s emotions.

We are pack animals! We have built into our brain physiology the capacity to take in what another part of our species is expressing, and react to it.

However, it’s also not black and white. We can try very hard to not feel our emotional reactions; we can dissociate, distract ourselves and try to shift our perspective to pivot our emotions. Monks who meditate for hours a day are very good at that — but those monks are not married!

How we express our emotions is our responsibility, and critical people are not expressing their emotions effectively. That’s why they need gentle start-up!

The other excuse to criticism that’s sometimes used is: “I have trauma from having critical parents, so gentle start-up is too hard for me.” This is not entirely wrong! Some people were raised by unwell people who never got help. Yes, it will feel very uncomfortable to do things differently, and you will need to learn how to self-regulate in order to avoid fight-or-flight and keep your logical brain working.

In this situation, I ask: “Who do you want to be?” Is it somebody who is loving? Compassionate? Or harsh and cruel like your parents? Growth may be outside of your comfort zone, but still accessible!

Want More?

If you haven’t already, check out my previous article, Predictors of Divorce: The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse to learn more about criticism and the other Four Horsemen. If you enjoyed this article, stay tuned for future articles on each of the Four Horsemen and their antidotes!

Where Can I Find More Help?

If you’re interested in learning healthy relational skills — therapy can be a great resource for you!

Maybe you aren’t fully ready for therapy yet — That’s okay too! Click the button below to subscribe to my YouTube Channel, Tips from a Therapist, where I offer some of my best tips on how to improve your relationship with yourself and other people.

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The more you know, the more you grow!